Satan’s Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

By December 29, 2017January 4th, 2018Blog

1. Start with what other people think you should do. That way your personal sacrifices will feel like punishment, thereby breeding resentment, resistance, and ultimately rebellion.

2. Be optimistic. Never mind that over the years your bad habit has become deeply ingrained. Count on sweeping it away in a few months.

3. Better yet, pick two major things you want to change at the same time!How to fail in 2018

4. Ask your wallet to do the work for you. Assume that buying enough frozen diet meals, gym memberships, brightly colored storage containers, bee pollen, packs of nicotine gum, how-to books and videos will be enough to reach your goals.

5. Be passionate about your plan, about the new you just around the corner, but forget that the meaning of passion is suffering.

6. Don’t adapt proven self-improvement strategies to your personality and your situation.  Don’t think about the predictable barriers that will arise to block your progress. You must not adapt your plan. Cannot start over in February after you face plant in January.

7. Demand a fast start and perfection. No low-hanging fruit, please. No rewards for progress along the way. And please be highly discouraged by any missteps or slippages.

8. Don’t arm yourself with facts. Don’t weigh yourself every day, don’t count your ciggies, don’t log your workouts.

9. Do this all by yourself.

10. See you in Hell.


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